Forever Boy by Kate Swenson

Author:Kate Swenson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Park Row Books
Published: 2022-01-21T17:06:51+00:00

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On the first day of kindergarten, Cooper woke me up at 3:45 a.m. As I sat drinking coffee, waiting for the sun to rise, I felt a mixture of emotions. This was technically my son’s third year of school. It would be the third year I’d put him on a little yellow bus and watch him ride away without a wave or a word. The third year I would feel sadness, resentment, anger, and frustration when I should have been feeling joy. It was supposed to be exciting. Cooper should have been over the moon about his first day of kindergarten. We should have been celebrating. But it wasn’t like that.

The night before, I lay in bed and scrolled through Facebook and looked at all of the adorable kids starting school. Gosh, I hate Facebook sometimes. All the smiling children. New clothes. Videos of kids willingly walking to the bus. Videos of kids talking about their new shoes or new backpack. Proud parents. So much excitement. I could tell I was developing a resentment toward other parents, and I didn’t like that. I loved my friends’ kids. I loved my nieces and nephews and I wanted to know their successes. But as my son’s differences became more apparent, the grief seemed to consume me and made it harder to keep things in perspective.

I told myself as I tossed and turned that I wasn’t going to make a big deal over his first day. I wasn’t going to draw a “First Day of Kindergarten” sign. And I for sure wasn’t going to put it on Facebook. I let myself stew in the anger and jealousy that I was so embarrassed to admit I had. But when the morning of school came, I felt different. I told myself that someday Cooper will care. He will want to see photos of his first day of kindergarten. So I dressed him in his new clothes and shoes, gelled his hair in a spike, and handed him the sign. I snapped a hundred pictures as fast as I could and prayed for one good one.

When the bus pulled up, the door opened and the driver, a kind, older woman with a warm smile, shouted out, “Is there a Cooper here that needs a ride to school?” In that moment I fell in love with that bus driver.

Cooper of course took one look and turned and ran the other way, laughing and giggling. So, in true Swenson fashion, I brought him flailing and kicking to the bus. I hugged him goodbye and whispered in his ear, “Be brave, sweet boy. You got this.” And he laughed and laughed and gave me a good squeeze.

I gave the aide a handful of Starbursts for the ride and wished her luck. Minutes later, I posted pictures of my sweet boy to Facebook, the caption reading, “Cooper’s first day of kindergarten.”

I worked from home that first week. I knew I would be emotional, and I also wanted to be close by if Cooper needed me during the day.

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